Leave Dis Broad Alone

For whatever reason, da media seems to care so much about what dis Lindsay Lohan broad does. A hot young girl who parties and bangs lots of dudes sounds fine to me, but the media and everyone else wants her to go da straight and narrow route. Fuck dat. Just let her be the slut she is, let her drink, let her do blow and oh by the way blow me in the process.

Say it ain't so Jeet

My homie Vito just sent me this picture, the word on the Internets is dat the greatest baseball player to ever live, Derek Jeter has the herpes. And since Jeter has banged many celeb chicks, he might very have given half of Hollywood and like all the broads in America the herpes as well.

Glad to see the herpes got passed to that piece of shit Justin Timberlake, way to go Jeter! I'd give you a high five for that one, but then I'd wash my hands.

Gladiators Are Back!

Dat's right, I just read that NBC is bringing back the American Gladiators. I can't fucking wait for this shit bro. I look amazing in spandex so you know I'm going to try out for this. I'd love to break Nitro's neck out there, if he didn't die from all the roids and blow he was doing back in the day. If Zap isn't like 700 years old, I'll bang her with my pugil stick during commercial breaks while the deaf Gladiator slut, Siren whispers sweet nothins in my ear.

Tom Brady Got a Baby Boy

I am a J-E-T-S fan so I hate Tom Brady. I hate how he throws the football, I hate his goofy smile in all his gay pictures in magazines and I hate how he bags all these skinny broads. Fuck dat guy. Now he's gotta son who I now hate too, I don't even know what the little brat looks like and he hasn't been alive long enough to develop the same shitty personality as his dad and I already fuckin hate the kid, unless he ends up as the quarterback for my Jets in 24 years and takes us to the Super Bowl.

How Awesome Will Dis Shirt Look When I Cut off the Sleeves

Friday night, me and my whole crew decided to pre-game at Paulie's pad, then hit up the movies for Superbad, which was of course followed up with some Superbad shit of our own at the club and then the after-hours spot. You know how we do, kid.

My homie, Gino sent me the link to this shirt this morning in celebration of the bad ass movie and the bad ass time we had Friday night. I can't wait to get dis, cut the sleeves off to flash my guns and find the right pair of shades to match dis bomb-ass shirt.

I'd be dissappointed if I didn't bag at least three bitches in this shirt. I am McLovin.

Don't Kill Dogs, Dog

Me and my bros live by a certain code: Always make sure the other guy isn't taking an ugly chick back to the pad, never talk while we're watching Vin Diesel or Dane Cook movies, trim your eyebrows once a week and never ever rat. I guess Michael Vick and his boys don't have the same code and now he's going to jail.

If his boys would have just been quiet he would still be playing quarterback. It's a shame because I loved dropping crazy cash on the other team and sitting down in front of my plasma every Sunday and watching him fumble the ball for four quarters.

Hope for his ass' sake he doesn't fumble the soap in jail like he did the football. He's going to get it doggystyle!

Vinny Chase Going Where We've All Gone Before

If I had to be anyone besides me, and I'm not sure why I'd ever want to do that, I would definitely be Vinny Chase. Dat fuckin guy has the life. But for some reason the guy who plays Vinny Chase isn't as much of a badass as his character. Now all the shit I'm reading is say that he is dating Paris Fuckin Hilton.

Everyone's banged this broad. I have, I think. And if you haven't banged this broad you've seen her bang other dudes in grainy home videos. So why would you take a girl home like this, there is no element of surprise here. You know her technique, you know what she's got. What are you going to get out of "dating" this fuckin broad.

I guess I can't get mad at Vinny, give her the old Italian sausage, if you're really Italian and me and my bros will take all the other hot chicks who don't have a greatest hits collection of sex tapes.

I Don't Know Him But Tell Will Smith He Can Lick My Balls

You know how it goes, you get a message from a beautiful broad on your MySpace page telling you she gets moist lookin at you and your spiked hair, shaped eyebrows and sunglasses. But den you look at her profile and see dat da chick is from Wyoming or some udder fuckin state you ain't ever heard of but she's got a killer body. So you keep the messages going and bam three days later you're carryin her bags into your pad for a weekend of fun.

Our weekend of fun, which consisted of red bulls and vodka at some of LA's hot spots (all the ones where I am always on the list - dis guy don't wait in lines!), posing for pics to add to my MySpace page and a shitload of sex, came to an end early this morning. I had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to take little Miss Wyoming back to the airport only to find out that Will Smith's new movie was blocking traffic.

Fuck dat guy.

Because of that iRobot motherfucker, the broad missed her flight. She still blew me in the car but still I had to put up with her for a few extra hours and it's all the Fresh Prince's fault.